At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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