I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
