i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i love accidental penises.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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