Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
