im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
