Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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