i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
