So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize