We need to rekindle our bromance
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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