Will you blow on my dice?
This girl is more easily done than said...
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
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