then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He better not be in your backpack
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize