i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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