You're a womanizer and a bitch.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
