The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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