Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
this will be a night to untag.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
