Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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