So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
