Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
