So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
