I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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