This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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