Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
