I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize
