Who did Billy Mays play for?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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