she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
So apparently I’m into choking now
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