my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
