id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
