I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize