my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Drunk is not a location!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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