dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
