I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
