i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
