Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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