In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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