I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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