If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
