She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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