If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize