I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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