Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She needs sedatives and a leash
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
