Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize