i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
