You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
