I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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