I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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