He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
