I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
