i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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