I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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