I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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