I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I could fuck to npr.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
