woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
