I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
